The Very Incomplete Life Tips of Everett D. Maroon

At long last, Twitter has a feature for downloading one’s entire tweet history. As I have more than 27,000 tweets out there (think of all the wasted time, people), this took a little while to get on my machine. But I’ve been wanting to grab my tweets for a few years now because I wanted to see what the full list of “life tips” that I’ve written looks like.

Indeed, it borders on pithy, even if a lot of these aren’t useful to people. Here is the full list:

Life tip No. 4: People who like to tell you what’s morally pure usually aren’t.

Life Tip No. 9: No matter how appealing, never try to catch a falling knife.

Life Tip No. 10: Avoid thunking your infant’s head into the overhead compartment for a smoother travel experience.

Life Tip No. 19: Never rub your eyes after eating buffalo wings. Ditto for picking your nose.

Life Tip No. 20: If you have six chocolate chip cookies for breakfast, prepare for a mid-morning snack of heartburn.

Life Tip No.22: When everything and everyone around you suddenly start annoying you, consider that it might just BE you.

Life Tip No. 23: Whenever someone introduces their remarks as “Straight Talk,” know that it’s going to be bullshit.

Life Tip No. 33: When in doubt, call your sister. Or the first person you see who looks like she could be your sister.

Life Tip No. 39: Never wear damp wool. Unless you’re looking to score with a sheep.

Life Tip No. 46: Never let your siblings find out via Facebook that you’re engaged.

Life Tip No. 56: Never complain about a bodily function unless you’re wanting it to happen in the next 10 minutes.

Life Tip No. 82: Never complain about your sister-in-law on a social networking site, bc it will be the one she just joined yesterday.

Life Tip No. 83: Never tell a friend they’re aging well, even if you mean it as a compliment.

Life Tip No. 92: Never open a frozen soda can.

Life Tip No. 414: Focusing on work right before the weekend makes the weekend that much sweeter.

Life Tip No. 419: Don’t skip the funerals of people you once cared about.

Life Tip No. 719: When dining out near a hospital, be prepared for surgeons to discuss in intimate detail techniques for cutting human flesh.

Life Tip No. 812: Leg cramps are merely an adequate method of waking up in the morning.

Life Tip No. 4,867: When spitting out toothpaste in the morning, avoid splash back in one’s own eyes. Wintergreen & vitreous don’t mix.

Queer Life Tip #38: If you think an older gay man doesn’t care for you, try slipping a few lines from Mommy Dearest into conversation.

Writing Tip No. 2: To break writer’s block, write something. Anything. Find the character hook in your grocery list.

Writing tip No. 12: Never let them see you looking jealous.

Writing Tip No. 19: Don’t lose the business cards you get from agents, even if you move 3 times after getting them.

Parenting Tip No. 26: when making up rhymes for your baby, never end on truck or luck.

Cooking Tip No. 24: Never lick just-melted chocolate, no matter how enticing it looks.

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Categories: Pop Culture


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2 Comments on “The Very Incomplete Life Tips of Everett D. Maroon”

  1. John Ross Barnes (@BarnestormJohn)
    August 9, 2013 at 3:38 pm #

    Thats a pretty good list, Ev.

    I think my Kansas upbringing shows in that when I think “Life Lessons” the first words that come to mind are: “Duct Tape”, closely followed by “carry more water”.

    • evmaroon
      August 9, 2013 at 3:43 pm #

      And those are excellent Life Tips, John. 🙂

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