Tag Archives: Tweets

The Very Incomplete Life Tips of Everett D. Maroon

At long last, Twitter has a feature for downloading one’s entire tweet history. As I have more than 27,000 tweets out there (think of all the wasted time, people), this took a little while to get on my machine. But I’ve been wanting to grab my tweets for a few years now because I wanted to see what the full list of “life tips” that I’ve written looks like.

Indeed, it borders on pithy, even if a lot of these aren’t useful to people. Here is the full list:

Life tip No. 4: People who like to tell you what’s morally pure usually aren’t.

Life Tip No. 9: No matter how appealing, never try to catch a falling knife.

Life Tip No. 10: Avoid thunking your infant’s head into the overhead compartment for a smoother travel experience.

Life Tip No. 19: Never rub your eyes after eating buffalo wings. Ditto for picking your nose.

Life Tip No. 20: If you have six chocolate chip cookies for breakfast, prepare for a mid-morning snack of heartburn.

Life Tip No.22: When everything and everyone around you suddenly start annoying you, consider that it might just BE you.

Life Tip No. 23: Whenever someone introduces their remarks as “Straight Talk,” know that it’s going to be bullshit. Read More…

Casual Friday: Twitter recap

Crazy right-wingers have to ask themselves: bang the birther drum or change rules to let guvenator run for prez. decisions, decisions.

@JasonMHardy The 3D was essential in Avatar, as it served as a crucial distraction from the dialogue.

Clearly, Arizona and Virginia are in a thumb-wrestling match for Biggest Assclown State.

Sometimes I just have to throw up my hands and ask why. Today’s pats of butter: http://wp.me/pQHmS-DE

@gwenners but he was an episcopalian minister! they’re out of their gourd to call him evil.

supper tonight was another celebration of feeling better: fillet mignon, braised asparagus, basmati rice & bernaise sauce.

Sherman Alexie makes a joke about pooping his pants and everyone laughs. I make a joke and get called Mr. TMI. Damn you, Sherman Alexie!

But now I need something for this acid reflux.
It’s nice that mushiness toward my spouse can silence a headache.
Are people seriously chiding the President for putting “black” on his Census form? REALLY? These people need some deep therapy.
just realized I can write the next great screenplay: Toilet Time Machine. one stomach virus and wham! it’s 1873! starring gilbert gottfried!

cheesy grits, wilted spinach with garlic, and pan-seared pork chops; I’d say we’re over the stomach flu around here.

aww, a little kid just gave me a big grin as I was #writing. that was too sweet.

@snarkysmachine that’s why I own a Cup-a-cake. www.cupacake.com/

@snarkysmachine mmm, cupcakes.

lovely terse query rejection today, I’m well on my way to reach the 133 rejects Gone with the Wind received before its publication.

damn, if Sandra Bullock can hide a black baby adoption for 4 months, maybe they need her in Wash, DC, to tell them how to kill leaks.

Some Twitter time

I spend more time than I care to admit over at Twitter, posting less of the what-I’m-doing-right-now and more of the insipid insight variety of content. While the latest three posts are shared on this blog, I wanted to take a look to see what I’ve posted just over the last, oh, two weeks or so. Here is what I found.

Benny Goodman would have really loved Twitter.

even when she’s 98% asleep, my wife can have a regular conversation. I wonder what this means about all of our conversations.

I have yet to see a Hoarders episode where the homeowners utilized the Space Bag.

Walla2 Freecycle offered chickens last weekend. Today someone is asking for chicken feed on the list. COINCIDENCE?? I think not.

ahem, Tea Party people? are you listening? that US Government you hate? it’s all founded on that CONSTITUTION thingy you love. just saying.

every day, I have one search hit on my blog for the phrase “evrette maroon.” aw, that’s one faithful and inattentive reader right there!

Been spending a lotta time #blogging and not #writing. Going to conduct fun food interview in a couple hours, which should be fun.

Welcome to the Walla Walla freecycle list. Need a ferret? We gots ferrets!

I don’t know, I don’t really get the point of Wednesday. It’s just like, sausage filler for the week.

Roberta Flack’s entanglement with cabbing it in NYC: http://wp.me/pQHmS-oY

working on a blog for my unpublished #memoir. since it’s humorous, the whole site will be tongue-in-cheek. it’s either crazy or genius.

Jane Lynch is my hero. Erm, heroine. Whatever. She rocks.

I just realized that the guy who played Dracula in BtVS is the one who killed Kate on NCIS. Excellent…!

Hey, if a literaryagent says in a rejection letter that my work is “compelling and powerful,” can I still quote them on my blog?

Ooh, two rejections in one day! That’s a personal best for me.

working on 17 different blog posts. perhaps I should focus.

John Tesh and Oprah, sittin in a tree. . . http://www.nbcaugusta.com/news/local/90716434.html

wait, when did Kimora have another baby???

what would cause an otherwise regular-seeming young guy to wear tiger striped cycling pants? they’re really the worst things I’ve seen.

Sure, I’m a #writer in residence. My own residence, you got a problem with that? We’re really really selective.

George Lopez has got to be the happiest guy in latenight TV right now. I wonder if he wet himself when he heard the news about Conan.

watching Life, narrated by Oprah. after some of these statements, I wonder if she paused to say, “wow, really?” probably a lot.

someday I’ll break the 200 followers mark on Twitter and the 500 mark on Facebook. and then I’ll buy a balloon to celebrate.

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