Why Girl Scouts Will Survive the Zombie Apocalypse

girl scout sash illustrationLast winter, after a 2-year analysis of whether they should lift their policy excluding gay scouts and scout leaders, the Boy Scouts organization declared that the ban would stay in place, and then backtracked a little to take up the issue again in the summer of 2013. Sorry, boy scouts in America, your leaders are more invested in protecting your parents’ archaic judgmental attitudes about sexual orientation, at the expense of your potential future happiness and self-worth.

Worse, I would argue it’s going to leave you more vulnerable in the case of a zombie attack. Here’s why.

1. Their promises–Both groups have similar core mission statements that they make, though the Boy Scouts call it an “oath” and the Girl Scouts a “promise.” Boy Scouts also swear to be “morally straight,” meaning they’ll have strong character and live their lives with honesty. Go Girl Scouts, who won’t waste energy ensuring they’re justified in defending themselves, can just orchestrate a response to a mass invasion and get on with it.

2. The Girl Scouts’ Inclusivity–Beyond the feel-goodness of multiculturalism, there is the strength in having a diversity of experience on the table when a community needs to take action or set policy. If social positionality affects our lived reality, and if we are capable of learning from our experiences, then the Girl Scouts’ history helps them here. Admitting girls (and scout leaders) of all racial and ethnic heritages, sexual orientations, and gender identities ensures they’ll have a broader base of experience to bring to moments of crisis. And in a zombie apocalypse, they’ll need all the help they can get.

3. Their Established Communication Network–While the Boy Scouts focus on their hierarchy of scouting levels (ending with the well known Eagle Scout), the Girl Scouts have created a time-tested, system-wide lateral project, a.k.a. Girl Scout Cookies. Distribution is decentralized across the country, communication is strong across all sales points in their grid, and “Cookie Moms” help mentor girls in entrepreneurship, marketing, and follow-through (also called making sure you receive the money for the orders you have). This communication uses social media and the Internet, old- and new-technology telecom devices, word of mouth, and paper-based media, so if any or more than one of these routes went down in a zombie attack, even a widespread zombie attack, the Girl Scouts would have alternative routes of communication available to carry out instructions to other groups within their organization. Who here denies the possibilities for a Girl Scout-led Pony Express to carry troop movements and critical information through zombie hordes? I sure don’t.

4. Their Uniforms Aid Running–I know they’re not camouflage, but heck, no one color would blend in with every environment in the United States that will see a battle once the zombies rise in their quest for brains and mortal flesh. But they are cut loosely enough to provide free movement for tree climbing, running, and crawling. And before people comment that the lack of pants leaves them too exposed to zombie scrapes and bites, giving the Boy Scouts an advantage, remember that these skirts also won’t slow them down much at all if they need to swim away to safety.

Leave me a comment on this if you have any to add, or if you want to argue with me. But I’m standing by my story that the Girl Scouts will survive better than Boy Scouts. So there.

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5 Comments on “Why Girl Scouts Will Survive the Zombie Apocalypse”

  1. April 9, 2013 at 11:25 am #

    Not to mention GS are likely to have more energy reserves. From the cookies, of course.

    Have you had a chance to see any of “In the Flesh”? It’s a BBC series I just heard about, and it sounds really cool.

    • evmaroon
      April 9, 2013 at 12:26 pm #

      No, I haven’t heard of it, but since I’m all caught up on Downton Abbey, I’ll add it to my viewing list!

      > Date: Tue, 9 Apr 2013 19:25:49 +0000 > To: evmaroon@hotmail.com >

  2. sestasik
    April 13, 2013 at 1:05 pm #

    Girl Scouts would have an advantage with weaponry once ammo ran out, too. Boy Scouts do get the whittling chip card, which allows them to carry knives. When my son was a scout, the rules for when and where you could carry the knife meant at least 40% of the day was knifeless. Girl Scouts learn to knit, and there aren’t any limits on knitting needs. Also, knitting needles are longer and more likely to injury zombie brains than your standard pocket knife.

    • evmaroon
      April 13, 2013 at 1:18 pm #

      Those are great reasons! And bonus points for the insider’s perspective. Thank you.

  3. April 15, 2013 at 5:54 pm #

    I feel the girl scouts lack survival skills, which is the number one way to survive a zombie apocalypse. Sure, their skirts aid running, but will they be in them when Day Z happens? And do they run on a regular basis?

    I kind of expect someone to take a picture of a zombie girl scout now.

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