Fixing House After the Zombie Apocalypse

At some point, any zombie apocalypse had to move into a new phase–zombies eventually run out of human brains to eat, humans find a way to reverse zombification, thus beginning a new chapter in humankind, or humans defeat the zombie onslaught. Of course there was another option–people dying out completely. But human history has shown us capable of responding to almost any threat, and so we found a way of succeeding even when all seemed lost. So many theories about surviving zombie attacks have focused on battling zombies, avoiding zombies, and discerning whether a loved one has become a zombie, it has largely slipped through the cracks of culture that even zombie doomsdays must end.

And then, if any humans have made it unscathed, it will be time to start living again.

So where to start? Zombies aren’t exactly known for their housekeeping prowess, and the National Guard wasn’t tip-toeing around to try to stop the onslaught back in the day. Depending on how long it’s been since the beginning of the days of nigh, batteries may no longer be able to power any electronic devices, or there may still be a few charged batteries or cans of gas around for such things as chainsaws. Civilian Anti-Zombie groups have sketched together a priority list for powered devices to maximize a home rebuilder’s efficiency in making repairs:

• Chainsaws
• Drills
• Wet vacs
• Earth augurs

Other powered devices like screwdrivers, walkie talkies, sanders, and finishing tools should not be used if powering supplies are limited, unless their use would mitigate a severe safety hazard for an individual. More important is the list of items NOT to use unless a home or block has been approved as clean of zombie debris. These items are:

• Power washers (except those that use steam above 76.7 Celsius or 170 Fahrenheit)
• Snow or leaf blowers, or combination blowers
• Central heating or central air conditioning

Once a home structure is accessed–many homes still have boarded up doors and windows from when they were used as zombie defense–it must be inspected for structural sound and organic debris that could be toxic. In addition to mold spores, broken asbestos insulation or tiles, and vermin infestation, humans should be on the lookout for necrotic tissue, zombie remains, or whole corpses of mammals. Initial inspection should begin by dressing in protective clothing like that specified for use against zombie attacks. Additionally, human home rebuilders should wear gas exchange masks to ensure the air they breathe is free from contaminants.

To start with, homes should focus on being self-contained. Septic systems, wood pellet furnaces, well water are all good choices for isolating the structure of a home from its neighbors. This should help minimize exposure to any after-effects of the zombie invasion and lower the chances that remaining contaminated material will come into contact with any residents. On the other hand, neighborhoods need to plan which homes they want to re-settle; rather than the haphazard renovations that hindered New Orleans’ recovery after Hurricane Katrina, whole blocks should come together to sanitize and rebuild, so that people moving in can achieve a sense of security and community. More importantly, worse-hit neighborhoods will be easier to reacquire as community gardens or activity centers like libraries, gymnasiums, and education facilities.

Free consultation on rebuilding is available from the After Zombie Partnership, an effort of private businesspeople and federal government. To apply to adopt a home and for guidelines on rehabilitating it, contact your local planning board.