One-Sided Conversations with Baby

On any given day, I need to get a lot of stuff done. Most of us do, after all. I’m living off from my to do list at the moment, because I tend to lose lists these days, what with half of my consciousness preoccupied with WHERE IS BABY IS BABY OKAY kinds of questions.

Also affecting my ability to get all of my stuff done is the baby himself. Emile is omnipresent in the house, mostly due to the fact that this winter, he does not prefer alone time. So he comes around with us as we operate in each room of the house. Yes, this slows down progress–for instance, I am making it through this blog post one sentence an hour.

To further entertain him but also to increase the odds that I can get stuff done, I talk to him, explaining whatever is going on around us. It’s banal for the most part, and when I do it while cooking I feel a bit like a chubby, trans Rachel Ray. But sometimes I surprise myself with the things that come out of my mouth. Things like:

• That’s a blanket your great-aunt made for you. See over there, that’s another blanket your other great-aunt made for you. They’re sisters. They’re a little competitive with each other. But what do you care, you got two blankets out of the deal.
• The way to tell the difference between a nice cat and a mean cat is the nice cat will let you pet it and the mean cat will pee all over your bushes.
• We have liquid measuring cups and measuring cups for solids. Because atoms are like that. They’re tricky.
• Chemistry is a good thing, unless you’re Monsanto, or that guy from Breaking Bad.
• That is Stevie Wonder, and you like that song, don’t you? But stop mocking him by moving your head back and forth.
• Now, you’ll hear me call this a dust bunny, but it’s not anything we keep as a pet around here. Although maybe we do, come to think of it.
• I can’t pick you up right now because I just touched raw meat. It’s crawling with germs. But it’s fine for supper.
• Ooh, that’s a stinky trash can! Stinky stinky stinky! Uh oh, that’s just your diaper, isn’t it?

Poor little kid, having to listen to my silliness all day. I really hope we can socialize him properly at some point.