Nothing blows a holiday party like an uninvited zombie guest. I for one don’t want to have all of my planning and preparation ruined by even one moaning undead person with a penchant for biting my other guests. Plus, those zombies are always bringing uninvited friends, and they’re horrible at making small talk. While anyone who smells of decomposition or has limbs falling off is easily identifiable as a zombie, an individual may be in an earlier state of zombification and thus harder to detect. Here are some easy ways to spot the burgeoning zombie so they don’t wreck your holiday:
Hannukah Menorahs–Zombies are repulsed by fire, for good cause. All that dry skin goes up like a Roman candle when lit. So be sure to include everyone in the candle-lighting at Hannukah, and if someone won’t partake of the ritual, consider them as possible zombies. You might want to think about waving a lit candle near them to gauge their response, but don’t get too close. BONUS: This technique works well at Bar and Bat Mitzvahs, too. Also Kwanzaa.
Christmas Caroling–The quest for brains becomes so all-encompassing that little things like childhood memories, food preferences, the names of friends, etc., just get pushed out of that undead brain to make room for moaning about eating living flesh. So be sure to stand around a baby grand piano and sing the night away! Zombies won’t be able to remember the words to any song. Make sure you withhold any sheet music!
The Old Sword in a Tree Defense–Let’s say a friend hits the zombie tipping point midway through your soup course and starts trying to attack your guests. Even the average Christmas tree is more than capable of storing a razor-sharp sword in its branches that you can retrieve in a snap. Remember, cut the head off first, and get everyone out of the spatter zone. At that point you should probably consider your meal over, but at least you’ll have protected the most important thing: the holiday spirit.
The Bigger the New Year’s Party, the Better–It’s hard to be a fan of loud parties, but nowadays there’s a value to them: zombies detest noise. Perhaps they can’t hear their own moaning for gray matter, but who cares? Use it to your advantage! Go with your friends to Times Square for New Year’s, where you can barely hear the next person screaming at you. Sure, with all the people there it’s bound to be a zombie magnet, but think of this: there will be lots of people there who run slower than you. Enjoy the ball drop while you can.
Holiday memories and events are critical to remembering our humanity, so make the most of them. Just have a few tactics for avoiding the undead while you bask in these seasonal festivities. Happy holidays!