Actual Signs of the End Times: Pop Culture Style

Once again we’ve passed a doomsday, this one set for October 21, 2011. Well, Hello, October 24. I guess we made it. Hysteria around the Mayan Calendar aside, there are perhaps a few other signs that collectively we’re about to face Armageddon anyway. Here are my guesses, for what it’s worth.

The movie Anonymous—Of course the theory about Shakespeare’s fraud on the world of playwrighting has been around for millennia, but to put it into a blockbuster movie, by the same director who made us all terrified of 2012? It’s got to be evidence that soon we won’t need movie making anymore. Because we’ll be fighting over the last can of succotash in the bombed-out grocery store, that’s why.

The return of the McRib—The pieced-together, rib-like sandwich is back at McDonald’s drive thrus and counters, once again “for a limited time.” I almost wonder if there’s not some fatty, mindless creature, the product of wayward science and a military cover-up, that wanders around some secret landscape and can only be harvested for a short while until supplies of the species repopulate. But no, this is just a janky-ass sandwich that would see flat sales if it weren’t for its on-again, off-again inclusion on the menu. In a world with such renewed emphasis on organic foods and local economies, the McRib is a barbequed slap in the arteries and not a sign of good things to come.

Pat Robertson’s declaration that the GOP is too conservative—I know, I didn’t believe it at first, either, but my stars, he said it. This is the guy who said that Hatians had made a deal with the devil and that’s why God struck them down with an earthquake. The same guy who claimed that every new Japanese emperor slept with a succubus before taking the throne, and who has called AIDS a blessing. He thinks the Republicans have gone too far? I can only worry about the world when Pat Robertson is not on the right-most vanguard on the political spectrum.

Global peace is at an all-time high—Professors at Harvard have published a book showing that earth-wide, violence and conflict are at historical lows. Forget Iraq and Afghanistan, which apparently we’re now departing, overall we’ve got fewer warring factions, fewer dictators, and less overall violence to contend with. I thought first came Judgment Day and then came the 1,000-year peace, but whatever. Perhaps this is a dress rehearsal, a kind of international tidying up before the Big Sorting of Souls occurs.

Bank of America is teetering from massive debt—Lehman Brothers, it was declared by the Department of the Treasury, was too big to fail, so our government rushed in and bailed them out. Same for massive conglomerates like AIG, JP Morgan, and other Wall Street investment and insurance organizations. Yes, American taxpayers have been repaid from those loans, but we’re still reeling from the housing and credit collapses, and unemployment remains stubbornly adhered to the 9 percent range. Now it looks like BoA has been cooking their books on the earnings front, and folks in DC are wondering if this too, is too big to let it implode in its own greed. If we thought we were in the positive territory and out of recession, this is just the thing to help nudge us back toward economic disaster. Nothing says “the time is nigh” like the death of the biggest GDP’s biggest banker.

Charlie’s Angels was canceled by ABC—Charlie, we hardly knew ye. No sooner than the fall 2011 television season began, it seems, than ABC executives pulled the plug on Drew Barrymore’s project to reboot the sexy adventure series. How can we go on, knowing that there won’t be any more insipidly-written episodes for the trio? We audiences are already dealing with the end of Desperate Housewives, and the possible end of Grey’s Anatomy if Ellen Pompeo doesn’t renew her contract after this season. That leaves Revenge and Private Practice, and my goodness, that’s got to be a signal that our days are numbered.

Google is killing Google Buzz—When does Google ever lose an application? Go to google.com right now and click on more and just absorb the long, long list of crap they’ve created for the Internet. I mean, they’re on a mission to scan  in every book ever written, for crying out loud. When Buzz came out, it was supposed to be their latest revolution, and instead it tanked as badly as Ryan Leaf trying to throw more than a shovel pass. But write it off and back away entirely? Scary prospect!

Geez, see why I’m so terrified?