How to Care for Your Zombie Baby

zombie baby from deviantartZombie apocalypses are terrible for all sorts of reasons, not the least of which is the loss of the human race generally and loved ones more locally. It can be especially difficult to adjust to the zombification of a child, but before one literally throws the baby out with the bathwater, there are some important considerations to remember.

1. Assess if the baby or child is in fact, a zombieBabies may cry through the night, or gurgle, but whatever they’re doing, all but the very youngest will change emotion or expression. Zombie babies will make more of a moaning sound with no other affect, and zombie children will persistently seek to bite others. Another telltale symptom is the lack of physical healing. Intentionally injuring a child to see if she or he recovers is anathema to human society and is not recommended, but it is understandable in the most dire of circumstances. The popular notion that one can try to watch their reaction while waving cow brains near them is a terrible, awful idea and should not be entertained.

2. Once zombie status is determined, children and babies must be carefully quarantined—Fortunately, zombie babies can be swaddled anywhere from several days to indefinitely, depending on the reason for the zombification, as they need little to no sustenance. Swaddling babies can be difficult, however, and should only be approached with multiple layers of long sleeves and gloves. Under no circumstances should a mother attempt to breastfeed a zombie baby. For children under 90 pounds, quarantine should occur in rooms with no windows, because these are easy exits for a small zombie with a craving for brains. Sheds are also poor quarantine quarters; zombie children will not hesitate to dig under the outbuilding in order to escape. Call your local Zombie Infection Service of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention to schedule a transfer to a nearby Quarantine Center.

See: Pamplet on Locating a Quarantine Center

3. Direct anger away from zombie babies and children—Scientists around the globe are searching for a remedy to our collective predicament; in case of a cure or treatment, we need our youngest generation to be in the best condition possible for re-introduction to human life. While it is reasonable to defend oneself by any means necessary against adult zombie attacks, zombie children and babies should still be considered somewhat more vulnerable, and pains should be taken to avoid misdirecting frustration at them, even during this crisis.

4. Register with the Zombie Infectious Service of the CDC—In addition to providing quarantine services free of charge, an identified baby or child will be among the first to receive new treatments or cures. Do not hesitate to tell health officials that you know of a zombified minor. Dedicated staff want to protect our citizens pre-infection, during zombification, and post-infection.

Illustration credit: AlexisBC at DeviantArt

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Categories: popular culture


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6 Comments on “How to Care for Your Zombie Baby”

  1. June 27, 2011 at 1:47 pm #

    When the zombies come, i’ll be ready for them!!

    • evmaroon
      June 27, 2011 at 8:47 pm #

      Huzzah! We need to band together when the time comes!

  2. June 27, 2011 at 10:21 pm #

    Finally someone who thinks about the younger ones in a zombie apocalypse! We have plenty of information about protecting ourselves and survival, but there’s never anything about the babies…

    Nice one.

    • evmaroon
      June 27, 2011 at 10:23 pm #

      Yes! What about the babies? Glad you got some good information here.

  3. July 7, 2011 at 6:00 pm #

    “Under no circumstances should a mother attempt to breastfeed a zombie baby.”

    I’ve been wondering about this since the Dawn of the Dead remake. I mean, sure, an OLDER baby who’s got teeth, you want to avoid, but how much harm can bfing a newbie do? And is there any consensus on whether zombie scratches are contagious? Because it’s been my experience that a newbies FINGERNAILS are sharp as Zacto knives, and by far the most dangerous part of the human infant.

    • evmaroon
      July 7, 2011 at 6:03 pm #

      I figure a properly swaddled zombie baby or mittened up zombie baby are pretty harmless, especially if the mittens are held on with duct tape.

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