My Post-Doomsday Looting List

Harold Camping wants us all to know that Doomsday is coming soon. Specifically, later this week. More specifically, on May 21. It should be a bummer of a weekend, according to Harold Camping, who has presumably spent his life savings to broadcast his message so that as many of us as possible can be saved before the rapture. Excuse me. The Actual Rapture. Not like the last apocalypse that Camping asserted would happen, which was in 1994. Oh those bible verses! They can be so confusing to interpret!

If we’re to be filtered through on Saturday, with the righteous ascending to heaven and the rest of us being left to our own devices through part of October, when it will really, really be over, then I figure I’m already behind on my planning.

I’ve got stuff to loot!

So what are the considerations for post-apocalyptic looters, and what’s out there that we should get our hands on? Obviously, I have a few ideas.

A small car from Jay Leno’s car collection—It’s extensive, and it has all kinds of luxury and rare vehicles, everything from motorcycles and choppers to all-terrain-vehicles, classic dragsters, and 11 Bentleys. Eleven Bentleys. Even if lots of other people raid his collection, there are plenty of great cars to go around. It could be like the running of the brides. All of the same tips for that Filene’s event are probably applicable.

Likelihood of Jay ascending to heaven: High. I’m sure he’s got points against him for his drawn-out, nasty temper tantrum to get back The Tonight Show, but he’s totally the cowardly kind of guy who’d beg for forgiveness as the clock ticks down. Even if he does get stuck on Earth with the rest of us, someone will pick him off quickly, like his personal shopper.

The seed vault—While it’s been hellaciously difficult to stop Monsanto and Conagra from ruining global farmers’ livelihoods up until now, I’m betting the Rapture will take care of them because well, government will end and those executives will flee to whatever fortresses they’ve constructed for just such an emergency. The only place on the planet where we have unmodified seeds in great quantity is the doomsday seed vault in Norway, funded in large part by Bill Gates. All this crap that Glenn Beck pushes for the value of gold in the end times? Bullshit. Nobody’s going to give a crap about cold, brittle metal when there’s no future left for anyone. But people like me will want to eat.

Possibility of getting into the seed vault: Moderate to challenging. Picture the ice fortress in Superman—it’s hard to reach and automatically defended. But maybe the powers that remain will be sympathetic to people trying to eke out an existence, and will give us enough to scrape by.

The royal island in the Seychelles—If it’s good enough for Posh Spice, Prince William, and the Duchess of Cambridge, then fine, it’s good enough for me. It’s got loads of coconuts, rats were driven off of the island 100 years ago, so it’s free from those awful vermin, and it’s gorgeous. And isolated. And it comes with a luxurious resort hotel that won’t terrify me like a garden variety mountain lodge in Colorado (I’m looking at you, Overlook). While the planet melts down in anarchy and lawlessness, I could be spending down the remaining calendar days basking in the beautiful sun and working on my tan.

Likelihood of availability—Medium to high. Celebrities like David Beckham may not think of the island as their first destination, and will probably have a hard time getting through the throngs of angry people. And if I show up with seeds in my pockets, people who live and work on the island might not turn me down! It’s worth a chance, at any rate.

There’s not a lot of time left to put these strategies in action, as the clock runs out in five days. So figure out your targets, folks, and good luck!