Cheap and Easy Ways to Defeat Zombies

At first, the thought of a zombie horde clawing its way to one’s front door inspires terror and panic, but if we examine the nature of an undead mob more closely, a few simple tactics come to mind that can greatly diminish their numbers and increase the likelihood of human survival.

Tripping Zombies—Zombies are known for their lack of good gross motor skills. Often they shuffle instead of walk. Using whatever thin cord is available around the house, like kitchen twine, kite string, fishing line, or similar, set up a perimeter with the twine. Doorways into the house, picket fence gates, and the space in outer hallways are all good places to choose for this tactic. Tip: Don’t hammer in nails to secure the line; screws will hold better, potentially keeping the line taut enough to trip several zombies. Once they’re down, any of the other methods for rendering them harmless, as outlined in Dispatching Zombies, can be used. Do not use thick cord for this, like clotheslines or coaxial cable, as zombies are apt to notice thick cord in their path, even if their eyesight is somewhat impaired. But go ahead and set up clothesline if it’s the only cord in the house. Bottom Line: cheap and easy, only gets a few zombies

Trapping Zombies—This tactic can stop dozens of zombies in their tracks; however there needs to occur some up front planning to maximize effectiveness. First, one needs a deep hole or trench of some kind. Empty pools, broad holes cut into the floor over a basement, or ground that has been blasted out, are all good candidates. Second, take any slippery material, like oil, mud, or sheets of ice to lead up to the big hole. Next put a pile of fresh carcasses (roadkill is fine) at the bottom of the pit, and lead the zombies to their free lunch. Before the horde can figure out a way to get out of the pit—which, depending on depth, might not be possible for them—douse them with any handy flammable liquid and light them on fire, or if possible, electrocute them until they stop moving and groaning. Just be sure to stand upwind when the smoke begins. Bottom line: cheap, moderately involved, gets lots of zombies

Burning Zombies—A note of caution: it has not been determined if breathing burning zombie ash infects humans, so these tactics should only be used as a last resort to protect human life. Further, while alighted zombies will quickly expire, they may continue to chase humans for a time while their undead bodies serve as fuel for the flames. In a pinch, aerosol hairspray is a good bet, the pink canister of Aqua Net being the most far-reaching torch, but other aerosols like compressed air can work well, even in small quarters. Bottom line: very cheap, requires a higher risk of self-immolation or zombification

We also recommend, generally speaking, that humans acquaint themselves with the old Home Alone movies, as there are several good ideas regarding boobytrapping one’s home that may come in handy.

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