Five Predictions for 2011

I yanked out my ball of clairvoyance +2 last January, and crafted a snarky list of things I thought would occur by year’s end. With the birth of the New Year just around the corner, I suppose it’s time to take another shot at what’s in store for us over the next calendar year. Because politics, television, writing, and cooking are my interests on this blog, I’ll stick to those as topics. So here goes.

1. Sarah Palin will declare she’s getting out of politics when it becomes clear next summer that the GOP won’t support her as a Presidential candidate. I mean, it’s clear to the rest of us, but few things this woman has done smack of common sense, and I expect that trend to continue. If Palin can spin abdicating her job as Governor as not only in the people’s interest but an act that makes her a better candidate for President, there is just no way to rationalize her behavior. I expect her to get a talk show deal on a cable station, once she burns her bridges at FoxNews.

2. Jonathan Franzen gets sued by some unknown writer for stealing his ideas to write Freedom. It will be a nonsense lawsuit, but the news media won’t care, and at some point, some publisher will declare the controversy is “good” for publishing. I’m looking at you, Mr. Knopf.

3. From credit default swaps to the green economy that never started, to the worries over China, all of it will pale in comparison to the biggest scandal that will explode in 2011: 89 percent of so-called “organic” and “sustainable” restaurants will be shown to serve up the same Sysco and ConAgra products they decry on their menus. I don’t write this just because I watched a Portage Bay Grill employee open up a can of Sysco peaches; I believe there will be consternation because too many businesses of this ilk have opened too quickly, and the fine print generally includes things like “whenever available.” That’s a wide enough hole to drive a gas-guzzling, earth-destroying, BP-loving 18-wheeler through.

4. In August NBC will declare it’s moving to an all-reality television lineup for prime time because scripted shows are just too darn expensive. Wow, I’m only half-kidding on this one. Writers will flock to DirecTV in hopes that Channel One, which started as the company’s boring static guide will be the new frontier for narrative excellence. Glenn Close will work it into her Damages contract that for every big star she brings on board, she gets a $50,000 bonus. Let the bloodletting of the networks begin! Er, I mean, continue.

5. Cara and Madelyn seek and receive emancipated minor status, and immediately sign a book deal to co-author a tell-all memoir about their tumultuous family. In the spotlight once again, they seek an audience with Ashley and Mary-Kate Olson to get advice about dealing with years of brouhaha. Macaulay Culkin tries to ingratiate himself into the clique but is publicly humiliated in the process.