Oh, to be in college again…


not the bike in question

not the bike in question



We’ve all had that friend, colleague, or acquaintance who posted or forwarded useless emails to everyone on their friends list or at work. Exploding mugs of water in the microwave, rats that are on the loose and sure to crawl up the toilet bowl while we’re doing our business, endless streams of pictures of misstyped signs that we’re supposed to find funny — and sure, sometimes they’re funny. But mostly I, at least, grit my teeth and feel badly for the poor soul who thought I needed to read this.

The college here in town has a community interest list, which has all manner of important, interesting, and completely vapid email. One item tonight was too funny not to share, so feel free to have a chuckle, even though laughing will involve either a sense of schadenfreude or a hope that the matter involved will somehow be resolved. This post comes about a month after a series of emails to the college community about a wounded raccoon that one campus member decided to take in, foster, and then release. I almost thought there would be a “Raccoon Watch” to relay the ongoing, evolving medical condition of the rodent. The closest I ever came to a live raccoon was last year in DC, when one was blocking our path to our front door, but my memory is a little fuzzy, as Susanne was pushing me in front of her, making me her living shield from the thing as it growled at us. Do not mess with raccoons when they’re trying to find dinner in their private Dumpsters, knawhatImean?

So, without further adieu, the email in question. Note the subject line.

Subject: If you borrowed a blue bike with bent handle bars, please return it!

I really NEED it. I can’t get to work without it and I’m a pretty worthless human being 

if I can’t work. Please don’t make me miserable.


And if you were planning to keep it, I regret to inform you that it’s a worthless peace 
of shit. But I do really need it to get around and get stuff done, and if I had the money 
to afford another bike, believe me, I would have replaced this one long ago.

Soooo… just leaving it back at XXX Alder St. works.

And just in case you’re not sure whether you have my bike:

It’s a REALLY OLD kind of METALLIC BLUE SCHWINN, it has bent handle bars and a really 
CONTORTED looking basket, kind of resembles a SHOPPING CART.

Wow. Give the kid his bike back already. What the heck kind of town is this that they think the thieves read email? On their specific list? Or that a prevailing sense of guilt would drive the bike snatchers to return it? Aren’t college students cute in their ignorant idealism? It’s kind of cute.
I bet it would blow their minds to hear about superheated water in office microwaves.

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2 Comments on “Oh, to be in college again…”

  1. Alexis
    November 22, 2008 at 7:55 pm #

    In my opinion, that email wasn’t in hope of the thief reading it and returning their bike. It was an attempt to get some kind hearted soul to take pity on them and buy them a new one. Or, maybe they were just venting.

  2. evmaroon
    November 22, 2008 at 8:24 pm #

    Oh, good point. Not gonna happen, I don’t think.

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