Trans/plant/portation

1. Pageants still exist for people over the age of 8.

2. When singing a rendition of … well, anything, it definitely leaves an impression if your last note sung is flat. Just not a good impression.

3. When giving an answer to an important question of our contemporary culture, flash a smile at the end to show you’re still a lighthearted gal.

4. Ernst & Young considers questions about Boo Boo Honey and gun violence “of similar complexity.” Ernst & Young should not be allowed to evaluate anything anymore.

5. “Medical marijuana” and “recreational use” are not the same thing. Unless one is in Iowa.

6. Never name your child Mariah Carey. That’s just cruel.

7. Nobody looks credible with a tiara on their head. Except maybe the Queen of England.

8. Reality television has really fallen on hard times if Miss America contestants recommend we all take reality television “with a grain of salt.”

9. When in doubt, break into a vigorous tap dance.

10. Miss America is much more bearable when Donald Trump is nowhere to be found.

UPDATE: Okay, two more items —

11. It is mean to taunt pageant contestants with doughnuts.

12. There’s always an opportunity to tout Sketchers shoes.