Trans/plant/portation

Let the inner monologue begin.

1. Hey, did you see that article in the newspaper about that transgendered couple? Yes. I subscribe to the newspaper. It’s easy to read, too, because it’s only 12 pages long.
2. Hey, do you know the transsexual couple in the paper today? Yes. I’ve met them, mostly by chance. It’s a small town. I’ve met the mayor more times than them.
3. Oh my God, was that you in the paper today about being trans? Only if I’ve been blasted with a reverse-aging gun, and shifted my entire skull structure. I hope someone lets me in on it if that’s what happened. Do you have a mirror I could borrow?
4. Hey, there’s a high school student/college student/totally grown adult who is starting to transition. Could you talk to them? I mean, I haven’t talked to them yet to find out if they’d like you to do that, but you know, could you do that? Of course I’ll talk to them. It’s a small town and starting transition is way beyond difficult. But they get to have the last say in whether they sit down with some middle aged guy from New Jersey. I really hope that’s clear. And for the record, I am not the spokesperson for Transgender America. That would be Chaz Bono.
5. I’m a great ally, but I’m not really out about being an ally. So please don’t go telling people I think it’s okay to be trans, all right? By definition, that makes you NOT an ally. Go home, fake ally, you’re drunk.
6. That’s a nice idea and all, but you know this isn’t DC, right? You’re right–let’s not have any expectations for people in Walla Walla, that we can support each other, pass things like anti-discrimination regulations, and help LGBT people in crisis. Let’s leave liveability to people in big cities. But when we do that, Dan Savage wins. We can’t let Dan Savage win!
7. You sure talk about being trans a lot. Like, aren’t you happy just being a man? I’m so far beyond happy it would blow your tiny little mind. But I feel a need to be open about my history, you know, so all the closeted and other allies can ask me to be a resource for others, or tell me that Walla Walla isn’t the District of Columbia.
8. You might have a hard time finding a job here, because you’re overqualified. You know, that happens to men. Wow. I’d never heard of that before I transitioned in 2004. Thanks for cluing me in!
9. What was your old name? Buy the book to find out.
10. Do you know the pregnant man? Nope, but I know like 7 pregnant men who were pregnant years before him, and who didn’t feel the need to go on Oprah.
11. Hey, did you hear the pregnant man is getting divorced? Yes. And he’s seeking this claim even if it means possibly hurting future transgender-related marriages in the future. One guess how I feel about that.
12. Did you make that baby with Susanne? Let me refer you to WebMD.
13. Does it bother you that your baby isn’t related to you? No, but I bet it bothers you that you aren’t related to such cuteness.
14. Why do all trans men have such crazy facial hair? If I told you, I’d have to kill you.
15. Do you mourn the old you? No, but I mourn the loss of knowing you before you asked that dumbass question.
16. Do you ever think about going back to being a woman? Not until just now. Excuse me, I feel a wave of laughter coming on.
17. I was just wondering, do you have phantom breast sensations? Tell me, do you have phantom intelligence sensations?
18. Hey, do you know <<INSERT FAMOUS TRANS PERSON’S NAME HERE>>? Yes/No/We just hung out last night! How’d you know?
19. Does it feel weird to take your shirt off in the pool? I mean, I hate that wave of cold water as much as the next person…huh?
20. I understand how hard it is to find a doctor in town. My mom had <<INSERT DISEASE HERE>> and she had to drive to Seattle to find a specialist. Was this after the physician here insisted on giving her a prostate exam? Because that guy is really on my shit list.
21. Is it like, totally weird living in a small town? Why, does nobody ask you how weird your city is?
22. Are you interested in giving the newspaper an interview about being trans in Walla Walla? I’m hanging up now.

Insert your comments and responses here.

1. Hey, did you see that article in the newspaper about that transgendered couple?
2. Hey, do you know the transsexual couple in the paper today?
3. Oh my God, was that you in the paper today about being trans?
4. Hey, there’s a high school student/college student/totally grown adult who is starting to transition. Could you talk to them? I mean, I haven’t talked to them yet to find out if they’d like you to do that, but you know, could you do that?
5. I’m a great ally, but I’m not really out about being an ally. So please don’t go telling people I think it’s okay to be trans, all right?
6. That’s a nice idea and all, but you know this isn’t DC, right?
7. You sure talk about being trans a lot. Like, aren’t you happy just being a man?
8. You might have a hard time finding a job here, because you’re overqualified. You know, that happens to men.
9. What was your old name?
10. Do you know the pregnant man?
11. Hey, did you hear the pregnant man is getting divorced?
12. Did you make that baby with Susanne?
13. Does it bother you that your baby isn’t related to you?
14. Why do all trans men have such crazy facial hair?
15. Do you mourn the old you?
16. Do you ever think about going back to being a woman?
17. I was just wondering, do you have phantom breast sensations?
18. Hey, do you know <<INSERT FAMOUS TRANS PERSON’S NAME HERE>>?
19. Does it feel weird to take your shirt off in the pool?
20. I understand how hard it is to find a doctor in town. My mom had <<INSERT DISEASE HERE>> and she had to drive to Seattle to find a specialist.
21. Is it like, totally weird living in a small town?
22. Are you interested in giving the newspaper an interview about being trans in Walla Walla?

Responses tomorrow.

The thing about being gracious is, as soon as you let up, everyone notices. There’s no reward for seeming snappy, even if it bites at the heels of years of diplomacy and smoothed over tensions. So at the risk of letting my slip of hostility show under my skirt, let me just say that I am not a fan of the zoological presentation of transfolk as the primary means of educating the non-trans public. I am a fan of careful conversation, principled debate, and sensitive discourse when interfacing with any marginalized community.

Many of us have heard the now-standard “Trans 101” talking points: don’t ask what surgeries we’ve had, what our former names were, or other invasive questions about our bodies you wouldn’t want to answer yourself. But there are still more questions that deflect from a helpful give-and-take between parties, or that make some of us trans people weary and exhausted, well intentioned though these questions may be. So when I’m feeling ungracious, I may use some of these following answers. Apologies in advance for my snippishness, really. But when I’m on the edge, my responses may look like this:

Question 1: What’s your story?

There are many versions of this question, so much so that they may sound like different interrogatives, but really, they boil down to this: how in hell did you realize you were the wrong gender? And they’re often predicated on this: I’ve never considered anything even remotely as weird as that! It is a bit of a puzzler, at least as far as my experience goes, but the explanations get old faster than a baked avocado. So my answer to this is: “What, you haven’t read my memoir yet?” Read More…